The addition of two very special little co-workers to our BIOMAZING family got us thinking and we asked ourselves what makes a good role model and how we can support our little ones in their lives. We spoke to psychiatrist, psychotherapist and author Dr Dr Hans-Otto Thomashoff about his latest book. His No.1 tip: In case of doubt in favour of the binding!

After books about happiness and a fulfilled life, you are now turning your attention to the hot topic of raising children. Why is this particular stage in a person's life so important to you that you are writing a book about it?

In my psychotherapeutic work, I experience every day how the roots of psychological problems are often found in childhood. The psyche in our brain grows like a tree. What is laid down early - trunk and roots - shapes what can develop later. The good news is that if we parents get the essentials right in the early years, this will benefit our children's psyche throughout their lives. And what we can and should do right can now be described quite easily and clearly by the results of brain research.

They say "education is everything" - is that true from your point of view? How much can education do, and how much comes naturally or from the child itself?

Until now, we have paid far too little attention to how incredibly flexible our brain is. The development of our psyche begins before birth and remains adaptable throughout our lives. The pivotal point for our well-being is our sensitivity to stress, and this can be specifically influenced. An early secure bond between parents and child is crucial for this. Later on, the most important thing is to learn about real life and the rules that apply in it from a real-life role model. Parents' own intuition is important here. To be able to trust it, we need to know ourselves and have trained our intuition in real life. You won't find this in books. On the contrary, they are often full of nonsensical advice. My aim is to focus on our own feelings and use them to give our children a good foundation for their lives. Then we'll get most things right all by ourselves.

In your book, you specifically speak out against the method of letting a child cry before going to sleep until it stops on its own. Can you explain why this method has persisted for so long? What does it say about our society if books on this method are still regularly out of print? 

I think that says two things: We love comfort. And when an infant supposedly learns to sleep on its own, it's comfortable after a while. We then don't even notice his stress crisis. But what is much more important is that we no longer trust our intuition. I don't know any young mother who doesn't feel uncomfortable letting her child cry, who doesn't feel that it's not good for him.

You say in your book: "A child never cries for no reason" - can you explain this in more detail? What does that mean for parents whose children often cry, even for no apparent reason? What advice would you give these parents?

Attachment research makes it clear that a child only cries when it has a reason to do so. To find out what is going on, we need to understand the feeling that our child's crying triggers in us. At the age when children can't yet tell us what's wrong with them, we need our intuition to understand what's wrong, for example whether they are in pain or are teasing us. The basic rule in the first year or two of life is: when in doubt, provide a secure attachment.

Time and again, we hear the parenting advice not to spoil children. Is it even possible to spoil children?

This is also a question of age. An infant needs a stable bond. This does not spoil them, but prepares them well for life. Later on, it is a common problem today when we read children's every wish from their lips, because this does not prepare them for real life. There is no such thing as total wish fulfilment and at some point this realisation will dawn on them. And if we make them believe for a long time that everything always dances to their tune, the realisation that this is not true will be violent with the corresponding protests.

In your book, you write that parents and children "mirror" each other - in other words, they let each other sense their feelings. Do you have any tips on how to "read" your child well without interpreting the "wrong" things about the other person? 

How many restrictions are healthy for a child and how can you ensure that you provide enough security and freedom at the same time?

Once a secure bond has been established, it is important to model real life and let the child participate in it. Joint activities are better than television or constant entertainment. It's about explaining the world in all its colourful diversity and, in particular, the world of emotions. It is important to be authentic. Our own relationships are at the forefront of the exemplary life. We should set an example of good relationships ourselves and be a model for our child. Because then they will learn from observation how a happy relationship works, and happy relationships are the most important building block for a fulfilled life.

How do you support children properly?

You write in your book that children mirror their parents' moods and therefore look to them when they fall down, for example, in order to gauge from their reaction whether something bad has happened or not. How should a parent behave when something tragic has happened, such as a death, relationship drama or something else that is very upsetting for the parent? Should you feign cheerfulness in this case or at least not let them feel the full impact of their feelings? 

I don't think pretending is any good. Children sense what's going on and want to understand it. That doesn't mean pouring out your own emotional storms on the children. It means modelling how to deal with feelings. So we should be authentic and honest. Of course, we first need to know ourselves. Looking in the mirror of our own feelings enables us to share them openly and understandably with the children. It is very important to realise that feelings also pass. A child does not yet have a sense of time. In their perception, a feeling lasts forever. Learning that this is not the case is enormously important in order to learn to come to terms with feelings.

There are arguments in every relationship: How do you have them with children at home? Openly, hidden? In front of the children? What if a conflict persists and cannot be resolved favourably in front of the child?

This is about modelling a constructive culture of debate. Arguing must also be learnt. Between parents and children, because we parents also have a right to our needs, which of course doesn't always lead to enthusiasm among our little ones. But it doesn't have to. I've already said that all feelings are allowed in our dealings with each other. If an argument leads to a solution, it's a good idea to set an example. If not, then perhaps it's better not to. But children do pick up on tensions. If there is a crisis in the partnership, it is important to make it clear that this has nothing to do with the child, but that parents are also human and therefore cannot be perfect. Then it's no drama.

Finally, a practical tip: if everything goes wrong or even if everything goes well - what is the one thing that you can do that is always good and that you can rely on in every situation? 

As I have already mentioned, the basic rule in the first few years of life is: If in doubt, go for the binding. Then it's all about exploring the world, encouraging through doing and explaining. And please don't put any artificial pressure on them. There is no such thing as being perfect. Stay honest, and if you don't know what to do, e.g. in an argument, be honest and postpone the whole thing until tomorrow.